SPORTS MOVIE HEROES vs. SPORTS MOVIE VILLAINS (THE REAL MARCH MADNESS)
This whole March Madness thing makes me super competitive—I think it’s because of all the overly dramatic buzzwords CBS keeps bombarding me with. For a full month every year, my head spins with “Cinderella,” “miracle shots,” and “George Masons.” It’s tiring. So rather than fight it any longer, I’ve started embracing my inherent, tribal fighting spirit. In the past week alone, I mercilessly beat a 10-year old in a paper airplane flying contest, aggressively argued that Digger Phelps might actually dress worse than Craig Sager, and considered the marketability of a tapioca pudding wrestling match between Tiger Woods’ and Jesse James’ respective mistresses.
Knowing how much my people here at The Mixtape Monster Blog love sports movies, I want to keep this streak of contentiousness alive by giving you the ultimate showdown between our favorite heroes and villains from that genre. Sports movies and the NCAA Tournament are perfect parallels—they’re no good without underdogs, bullies and buzzer-beaters—so you can see why this has been on my mind lately. Before we jump into this thing, though, let’s keep a few points in mind:
- There are four regions—two for heroes, two for villains—each with 16 competitors, facing off until the championship clash between good and evil.
- This is not Bloodsport. These characters are not fighting each other. Consider this more like a showdown of awesome-ness.
- For heroes, inspiration is key; For villains, think about how dastardly they are.
- Feel free to disagree with me at any point and comment on it. I’m a big boy who can handle a little dissent. Besides, I already know you’re wrong.
ROUND ONE
Mick McAllister Region – Villains
(1) Clubber Lang (Rocky III) vs. (8) Alejandro “Butch” Heddo (Rookie of the Year)
This is a typical first-round blowout. Butch Heddo made the tournament by being able to grip a baseball bat so tight it turned to sawdust, but his skills are limited to that alone. Seriously, the guy struck out on a “floater” pitch?!? On the other hand, Clubber Lang was an orphan from the streets of Chicago, who learned how to box in prison, and demolished Rocky in their first matchup. No Cinderella story here.
(4) The Judge (The Natural) vs. (5) Rachel Phelps (Major League)
We’ve got a tight matchup here—two team owners who want their squads to lose, so they stock them with washed-up no-names. The Judge pulls out a win by resorting to bribery, blackmail, conspiracy and stripping the clothes off a cardboard cutout of Rachel Phelps.
(3) The Monstars (Space Jam) vs. (6) Russ Wheeler (Days of Thunder)
Our first upset! Pretty-boy Russ Wheeler, driver of the #18 Hardee’s car, will put you in the wall at a moment’s notice. The Monstars were clearly over-seeded, looking more like the Nerdlucks back home on Moron Mountain in this showdown.
(2) Coach Bud Kilmer (Varsity Blues) vs. (7) Ernie McCracken (Kingpin)
Ernie McCracken may be a fantastic dancer, an immaculate dresser, and sports an awesome comb-over, but he’s also a weasel who runs from an altercation. Coach Kilmer destroys him the same way he did Paul Walker’s ankle.
Jack Parkman Region – Villains
(1) Shooter McGavin (Happy Gilmore) vs. (8) Coach Red Beaulieu (The Waterboy)
The #1 seed easily outdoes the Coachin’ Cajun with his wealth of powerful connections. Beaulieu’s stolen playbook didn’t have enough magic to slow down Shooter, the clear favorite to win this region.
(4) Ogie Oglethorpe (Slapshot) vs. (5) Wolf “The Dentist” Stansson (D2)
This battle between enforcers of the ice pits the Syracuse Bulldogs’ goon against the stone-cold coach of the Iceland junior national team. While Oglethorpe put on a formidable show in this nail-biter, Stansson takes the win by being violent enough to get himself kicked out of America. (How many penalties do you need for deportation, anyway?)
(3) Ivan Drago (Rocky IV) vs. (6) Eddie Martel (The Replacements)
Seriously?! Drago chops spoiled superstars like Martel up for his post-workout smoothies. The Red Army captain was married to Brigitte Nielsen, who also would have beaten Martel in this tournament.
(2) Johnny Lawrence (The Karate Kid) vs. (7) Bull Hurley (Over the Top)
Cobra Kai’s star pupil struggled early with the arm wrestling trucker, but fought back after a soul-sucking tongue lashing from his sensei.
Jimmy Chitwood Region – Heroes
(1) Rocky Balboa (Rocky Series) vs. (8) Ryan Dunne (Summer Catch)
Balboa, the tournament’s #1 overall seed, easily advances after facing Dunne who barely snuck into the field by winning the Unathletic Teen Heartthrob Conference (UTHC) Tournament.
(4) Coach Herman Boone (Remember the Titans) vs. (5) Coach Norman Dale (Hoosiers)
Two headstrong coaches that no one wanted square off in this tough #4 vs. #5 matchup. Coach Boone has the edge by preparing with more difficult competition in the regular season—not only were his redneck detractors angry, but racist to boot.
(3) Steve Prefontaine (Without Limits) vs. (6) Shane Falco (The Replacements)
We’re talking about Billy Crudup here, not that weak Jared Leto crab. Pre’s balls-to-the-wall refusal to lose puts “Footsteps” Falco under the gun early and the washed-up college QB never quite recovers. Falco is back cleaning boats after Round One.
(2) Crash Davis (Bull Durham) vs. (7) Bill Murray (Space Jam)
Nobody gives speeches like Crash Davis—except maybe Chet “The Rocket” Steadman—but he pairs that with uncanny natural ability. Bill Murray, however, is nothing more than a solid role player, a great 9th man. While you’ve got to respect his desire just to play the game, his age and lack of talent are too much to overcome against a stronger opponent head-to-head.
Henry Rowengartner Region – Heroes
(1) Charlie Conway (Mighty Ducks Series) vs. (8) Ollie (Hoosiers)
All #1 seeds advance to the second round as the Mighty Ducks’ captain mops up Hickory’s diminutive team manager. Ollie relied on his infamous granny-shot free throws all season, but it’s still not enough to take down Conway.
(4) Jake Taylor (Major League Series) vs. (5) Jimmy Dolan (The Air Up There)
Talk about two guys at the bottom of the well. Taylor is a rundown catcher with bad knees playing in Mexico; Dolan is as assistant basketball coach with no apparent upward mobility in his career. In the end, Taylor learns that there really is no defense for the “Shake and Bake.”
(3) Daniel “Rudy” Reuttiger (Rudy) vs. (6) Vince Papale (Invincible)
This upset has brackets busted all over the world. Rudy came in as America’s sweetheart—no size, no talent, no grades, no money, no friends—but the tournament committee gave him a tough draw with Papale. Rudy’s lack of pure skill, combined with his dyslexia and the crowd’s inability to chant his name for entire game, lead to the biggest upset of the first round.
(2) Maggie Fitzgerald (Million Dollar Baby) vs. (7) Becky “Icebox” O’Shea (Little Giants)
Female boxing is real…and tough. Laila Ali is no joke, and neither is Maggie Fitzgerald. Becky O’Shea is undoubtedly talented, but it’s hard to really gauge her ability when she’s only pounding on prepubescent boys half her size. Icebox’s lack of quality preparation becomes obvious as Maggie chops her up in the first round.
ROUND TWO
Mick McAllister Region – Villains
(1) Clubber Lang (Rocky) vs. (4) The Judge (The Natural)
Excellent matchup here. There’s no doubting that The Judge was a heartless monster, willing to have his players killed if they didn’t lose enough games. In the end, though, it was Clubber’s barrage of catchphrases that led to victory. My prediction: pain.
(2) Coach Bud Kilmer (Varsity Blues) vs. (6) Russ Wheeler (Days of Thunder)
Kilmer eats, drinks and breathes winning—he can’t tolerate losing. Wheeler relies more on talent than determination. His cockiness gets the better of him here and Kilmer leaves him crying on the sidelines with Billy Bob.
Jack Parkman Region – Villains
(1) Shooter McGavin (Happy Gilmore) vs. (5) Wolf “The Dentist” Stansson (D2)
Shooter has proven that he’s not above playing dirty to win. Realizing that Wolf Stansson would be a formidable opponent, Shooter distracts him by playing scenes from Showtime’s erotic drama, Red Shoe Diaries, starring Stansson himself. (No joke, Carsten Norgaard did an episode of that show—and you can see it on Hulu!)
(2) Johnny Lawrence (The Karate Kid) vs. (3) Ivan Drago (Rocky IV)
Johnny Lawrence is clearly over-hyped, all flash and no flame. He previously suffered crushing defeats at the hands of Daniel-san and Rodney Dangerfield in Back to School. Drago is no bully, just a fighting machine programmed to kill without remorse (“If he dies, he dies”). It looks like Johnny is the one leaving in a body bag.
Jimmy Chitwood Region – Heroes
(1) Rocky Balboa (Rocky series) vs. (4) Coach Herman Boone (Remember the Titans)
Coach Boone is truly an inspirational character, worthy of our praise. But Rocky is no slouch either. They both are both self-made men, coming up against fierce adversity. Rocky gets the nod here on the strength of numerous training montages.
(2) Crash Davis (Bull Durham) vs. (3) Steve Prefontaine (Without Limits)
Prefontaine is probably the most strong-willed competitor in this field. While that makes him a tough draw for any competition, it also makes him unpredictable and prone to acting rashly. Crash would know this, as well as how to exploit that immaturity and inexperience.
Henry Rowengartner Region – Heroes
(1) Charlie Conway (The Mighty Ducks series) vs. (5) Jimmy Dolan (The Air Up There)
Jimmy Dolan is crafty (who else recruits remote African tribes?), but is he Flying-V crafty? I doubt it. I just don’t think Dolan has the leadership skills and selfless, team-first quality that Conway does. After all, isn’t the triple deke just a shake-and-bake…but on ice?
(2) Maggie Fitzgerald (Million Dollar Baby) vs. (6) Vince Papale (Invincible)
Here we’ve got two 30-year old no-names with something to prove and nothing to lose. Both have been significantly kicked around by life—Vince’s wife left him and took everything, while Maggie’s family wanted nothing to do with her from the start. Both are too old to chase dreams of being football players and boxers. I’m giving this one to Maggie because I’d rather watch Clint Eastwood than Greg Kinnear any day.
ROUND THREE
Mick McAllister Region – Villains
(1) Clubber Lang (Rocky) vs. (2) Coach Bud Kilmer (Varsity Blues)
Clubber Lang was a bad man. It’s claimed that his character was loosely based on a combination of Sonny Liston, Larry Holmes and George Foreman—that’s a whole bunch of meanness tied up in one mohawked bundle. But Bud Kilmer is the worst kind of villain. He uses high school kids to feed his feverish obsession. He’s inspirational for class acts like Greg Wise, the Texas high school basketball “coach” who actively aims to beat other teams by 100 points. This merciless approach might make you a detestable human being, but it definitely helps your cause in this bracket.
Jack Parkman Region – Villains
(1) Shooter McGavin (Happy Gilmore) vs. (3) Ivan Drago (Rocky IV)
Drago is a serious opponent. 261 pounds. Five cattle-sized doses of roids every day. 2150 psi punching power (awesome name for a band by the way). It took Rocky 15 rounds to knock the commie out. However, if I know anything about the Cold War Soviets, it’s that they’re more crooked than Trail Ridge Road. Abusing that kind of corruption is Shooter 101. He could take down Drago from a number of angles.
Jimmy Chitwood Region – Heroes
(1) Rocky Balboa (Rocky series) vs. (2) Crash Davis (Bull Durham)
Crash Davis is by far the most complex character in this tournament. He is also one of the most pure characters, less contrived than the others. For every “Miracle on Ice,” there have been a million Crash Davises—talented, dedicated guys who just couldn’t make it stick in the big leagues. At a certain point in time, ballplayers are just trying to prolong their time around the game. Trying to outlast the inevitable just a little longer, when the knees start to ache and the organization has passed them over a few times. It’s admirable to stick around at that point. It shows a true love for the game. Rocky lost that passion during his fast car and robot butler stage. Crash never did.
Henry Rowengartner Region – Heroes
(1) Charlie Conway (Mighty Ducks series) vs. (2) Maggie Fitzgerald (Million Dollar Baby)
Sure Million Dollar Baby fought her way up the female boxing ranks, but Captain Duck created hockey’s equivalent of the alley-oop. That’s no small feat. But seriously, Charlie showed he was able to put an entire team (nay, an entire nation) before himself when he gave up his roster spot in D2 so Banks could come back. That kind of selflessness can’t be overlooked, so he moves on to the Final Four.
FINAL FOUR
(2) Coach Bud Kilmer (Varsity Blues) vs. (1) Shooter McGavin (Happy Gilmore)
Kilmer, like any grade school bully, thrives on intimidating those weaker than himself. That’s why coaching high school boys is the perfect outlet for him. They look up to him, rely on his approval and feel a need to impress him. Shooter, however, is no boy. Sure, Happy Gilmore beat him with an absurdly lucky putt on the 18th hole, but he didn’t get to be the tour’s #1 player by being any ordinary geek-off-the-street. He got there by being cold, calculated and ruthless.
(2) Crash Davis (Bull Durham) vs. (1) Charlie Conway (The Mighty Ducks series)
Interesting matchup here on the hero side of the Final Four. Neither is the most talented player, but both genuinely care about what they’re doing. The main difference is how they approach the game. Crash is a wild care and a free spirit, whereas Charlie plays by the book, a coach’s dream. It’s Charlie’s predictability that makes him vulnerable against an experienced, crafty veteran like Crash Davis.
CHAMPIONSHIP
(1) Shooter McGavin (Happy Gilmore) vs. (2) Crash Davis (Bull Durham)
Having two loose cannons like Shooter and Crash face off in the final is a fantastic idea. There’s no telling what they’ll do to pull out a win. So here, on the brink of the actual Final Four, I’m gonna let my readers tell me what they think. Who do you think comes out on top? More importantly, why? Is it because Shooter has Crash run over with a VW? Does Crash want it badly enough? You tell me. Don’t say I never gave you anything.
***Questions? Submissions? Want to curse out Big Soda for his taste in movies or choices of winners? He can be reached at bigsoda@themixtapemonster.com ***
