Women have a hard time understanding the relationships men have with each other. They don’t get the way we interact or the way we express our feelings about our bros (yes, we do actually have them). Science blames it on our neurology and comparatively small corpus callosum, but that doesn’t seem to be a good enough excuse for the ladies in our lives. They think we should be able to overcome our biological shortcomings and act like civilized folk, rather than exercising our preferred form of communication—ragging on each other over beer and Halo. That’s just how men are, though, and there’s no better representation of that than the buddy cop film.
A while back, Patrick Goldstein wrote in the L.A. Times that “buddy pictures are the most enduring genre in Hollywood.” He describes them better than I ever could: “Two wildly different men are thrown together, their relationship tested by events until they discover an unlikely affinity, forging a bond of friendship that replaces the customary guy-gal sexual union at picture’s end.” From The Odd Couple to The Hangover, we’ve seen it all…good cop-bad cop, white and black, young and old. However, Hollywood just keeps cranking them out, and we keep watching. Buddy films, and buddy cop films in particular, let us explore the things men think about—and discuss among themselves—without the added anxiety that women add to our daily life. This is by no means a commentary on the male-female relationship, but I hope it’s rather an explanatory look into the male-male dichotomy that never seems to get talked about. So, here are a few of my favorite buddy cop movies, and a few that are just too ridiculous not to point out.
48 Hours(1982)
Starring Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy, 48 Hours wasn’t necessarily the first buddy cop film ever made (though some will claim it was), but it definitely sparked the viewing public’s interest in the genre that carried on throughout the 80s and 90s. While Murphy’s character, Reggie Hammond, is technically a convict and not a cop, he teams up with Nolte, a weathered, hard-living San Francisco detective to catch Hammond’s former partner-in-crime (played by James Remar of Sex and the City fame) who is on the run after killing another cop.
The film’s title refers to the 48-hour release Hammond is granted to help Nolte track down the killer. It was Murphy’s big-screen debut and it’s legend has carried on throughout the years. You may also recognize the bare-bones storyline from Akon’s video for “Smack That.”
Lethal Weapon (1987)
Lethal Weapon’s Murtaugh (Danny Glover) and Riggs (Mel Gibson) have come to epitomize the very essence of mismatched pairs in the buddy-cop film. Murtaugh is obsessive about growing old, while Riggs is clearly suicidal and a danger to everyone around him. This led to the popular device of having the two protagonists thrown together by a cantankerous older supervisor. Seen as a liability, Riggs is relegated to the level-headed Murtaugh’s division, where they have to come together to track down a murderous drug-runner played by Gary Busey (I know, right!).
This picture spawned a huge blockbuster series lasting through 1998’s Lethal Weapon 4, and made over $120 million worldwide. For a great example of how two vastly different men can operate efficiently as partners in the field, just watch this flamethrower intro to Lethal Weapon 4.
Rush Hour (1998)
While I recognize that I’ve never had anything decent to say about Brett Ratner, Rush Hour is the quintessential example of the East-meets-West buddy cop film, so it warrants mentioning here. Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker team up, very much against their will, to find the kidnapped daughter of the Chinese Consul. The FBI agents heading up the investigation don’t want either of them around, so Chan and Tucker must work around numerous obstacles, as well as their own personality conflicts.
Considering the film made $240+ million, and another $50 million in U.S. movie rentals, I’m sure anyone reading this has already seen it.
…and a few duds you should know about as well…
K-9 (1989)
Jim Belushi stars opposite a drug-sniffing dog with a quirky sense of humor. It’s definitely no Turner & Hooch, and you’ll likely come away with an even worse opinion about Belushi’s acting chops. If not, check out the sequels K-911 (1999) and K-9: P.I. (2002), and they should handle that for you.
Collision Course (1989)
If you find yourself longing for the good ol’ days of The Karate Kid, missing Pat Morita’s wisdom, just pop in this direct-to-video stinker starring Morita and Jay Leno. Just imagine the East-West setup of Rush Hour, but with even more barely-intelligible English dialogue.
Cop and a Half (1993)
Directed by Henry Winkler. Starring Burt Reynolds and a kid. I think I’ve said enough.
*** Questions? Concerns? Suggestions? Hate mail? Big Soda can be reached at bigsoda@themixtapemonster.com , or twitter.com/bigsoda ***
One of the more popular posts on this blog the last few years has been the “Big Soda & Popcorn” columns written by staff member Big Soda. Unfortunately, a lot of readers may have no earthly idea what I am talking about because the last time we got one of those columns was the excellent read on April 6 , 2010 , that’s right folks, OVER ONE YEAR AGO.
Now I can’t confirm we will ever get another Big Soda & Popcorn movie column. I would imagine, after a catastrophic call-out such as this one, that we would see one in the next month or so, but who am I to say that?
In the meantime, let’s just re-visit some of these articles (a few of which, for a while, resided on the Top 10 Posts All Time List for the Blog):
“Worst Sports Movies” – The very first Big Soda & Popcorn column! Also the one with the most views!
So those are 5 posts from the legendary column that you may want to re-visit, or see for the first time. If you miss these columns as much as I do, let Big Soda know by e-mail (bigsoda@themixtapemonster.com), Tweet (@bigsoda), or comment here on this post. Maybe one day, we’ll see another. After all, yesterday we even saw a Sliznometry!
SPORTS MOVIE HEROES vs. SPORTS MOVIE VILLAINS (THE REAL MARCH MADNESS)
This whole March Madness thing makes me super competitive—I think it’s because of all the overly dramatic buzzwords CBS keeps bombarding me with. For a full month every year, my head spins with “Cinderella,” “miracle shots,” and “George Masons.” It’s tiring. So rather than fight it any longer, I’ve started embracing my inherent, tribal fighting spirit. In the past week alone, I mercilessly beat a 10-year old in a paper airplane flying contest, aggressively argued that Digger Phelps might actually dress worse than Craig Sager, and considered the marketability of a tapioca pudding wrestling match between Tiger Woods’ and Jesse James’ respective mistresses.
Knowing how much my people here at The Mixtape Monster Blog love sports movies, I want to keep this streak of contentiousness alive by giving you the ultimate showdown between our favorite heroes and villains from that genre. Sports movies and the NCAA Tournament are perfect parallels—they’re no good without underdogs, bullies and buzzer-beaters—so you can see why this has been on my mind lately. Before we jump into this thing, though, let’s keep a few points in mind:
There are four regions—two for heroes, two for villains—each with 16 competitors, facing off until the championship clash between good and evil.
This is not Bloodsport. These characters are not fighting each other. Consider this more like a showdown of awesome-ness.
For heroes, inspiration is key; For villains, think about how dastardly they are.
Feel free to disagree with me at any point and comment on it. I’m a big boy who can handle a little dissent. Besides, I already know you’re wrong.
ROUND ONE
Mick McAllister Region – Villains
(1) Clubber Lang (Rocky III) vs. (8) Alejandro “Butch” Heddo (Rookie of the Year)
This is a typical first-round blowout. Butch Heddo made the tournament by being able to grip a baseball bat so tight it turned to sawdust, but his skills are limited to that alone. Seriously, the guy struck out on a “floater” pitch?!? On the other hand, Clubber Lang was an orphan from the streets of Chicago, who learned how to box in prison, and demolished Rocky in their first matchup. No Cinderella story here.
(4) The Judge (The Natural) vs. (5) Rachel Phelps (Major League)
We’ve got a tight matchup here—two team owners who want their squads to lose, so they stock them with washed-up no-names. The Judge pulls out a win by resorting to bribery, blackmail, conspiracy and stripping the clothes off a cardboard cutout of Rachel Phelps.
(3) The Monstars (Space Jam) vs. (6) Russ Wheeler (Days of Thunder)
Our first upset! Pretty-boy Russ Wheeler, driver of the #18 Hardee’s car, will put you in the wall at a moment’s notice. The Monstars were clearly over-seeded, looking more like the Nerdlucks back home on Moron Mountain in this showdown.
Ernie McCracken may be a fantastic dancer, an immaculate dresser, and sports an awesome comb-over, but he’s also a weasel who runs from an altercation. Coach Kilmer destroys him the same way he did Paul Walker’s ankle.
Jack Parkman Region – Villains
(1) Shooter McGavin (Happy Gilmore) vs. (8) Coach Red Beaulieu (The Waterboy)
The #1 seed easily outdoes the Coachin’ Cajun with his wealth of powerful connections. Beaulieu’s stolen playbook didn’t have enough magic to slow down Shooter, the clear favorite to win this region.
(4) Ogie Oglethorpe (Slapshot) vs. (5) Wolf “The Dentist” Stansson (D2)
This battle between enforcers of the ice pits the Syracuse Bulldogs’ goon against the stone-cold coach of the Iceland junior national team. While Oglethorpe put on a formidable show in this nail-biter, Stansson takes the win by being violent enough to get himself kicked out of America. (How many penalties do you need for deportation, anyway?)
(3) Ivan Drago (Rocky IV) vs. (6) Eddie Martel (The Replacements)
Seriously?! Drago chops spoiled superstars like Martel up for his post-workout smoothies. The Red Army captain was married to Brigitte Nielsen, who also would have beaten Martel in this tournament.
(2) Johnny Lawrence (The Karate Kid) vs. (7) Bull Hurley (Over the Top)
Cobra Kai’s star pupil struggled early with the arm wrestling trucker, but fought back after a soul-sucking tongue lashing from his sensei.
Jimmy Chitwood Region – Heroes
(1) Rocky Balboa (Rocky Series) vs. (8) Ryan Dunne (Summer Catch)
Balboa, the tournament’s #1 overall seed, easily advances after facing Dunne who barely snuck into the field by winning the Unathletic Teen Heartthrob Conference (UTHC) Tournament.
(4) Coach Herman Boone (Remember the Titans) vs. (5) Coach Norman Dale (Hoosiers)
Two headstrong coaches that no one wanted square off in this tough #4 vs. #5 matchup. Coach Boone has the edge by preparing with more difficult competition in the regular season—not only were his redneck detractors angry, but racist to boot.
(3) Steve Prefontaine (Without Limits) vs. (6) Shane Falco (The Replacements)
We’re talking about Billy Crudup here, not that weak Jared Leto crab. Pre’s balls-to-the-wall refusal to lose puts “Footsteps” Falco under the gun early and the washed-up college QB never quite recovers. Falco is back cleaning boats after Round One.
(2) Crash Davis (Bull Durham) vs. (7) Bill Murray (Space Jam)
Nobody gives speeches like Crash Davis—except maybe Chet “The Rocket” Steadman—but he pairs that with uncanny natural ability. Bill Murray, however, is nothing more than a solid role player, a great 9th man. While you’ve got to respect his desire just to play the game, his age and lack of talent are too much to overcome against a stronger opponent head-to-head.
Henry Rowengartner Region – Heroes
(1) Charlie Conway (Mighty Ducks Series) vs. (8) Ollie (Hoosiers)
All #1 seeds advance to the second round as the Mighty Ducks’ captain mops up Hickory’s diminutive team manager. Ollie relied on his infamous granny-shot free throws all season, but it’s still not enough to take down Conway.
(4) Jake Taylor (Major League Series) vs. (5) Jimmy Dolan (The Air Up There)
Talk about two guys at the bottom of the well. Taylor is a rundown catcher with bad knees playing in Mexico; Dolan is as assistant basketball coach with no apparent upward mobility in his career. In the end, Taylor learns that there really is no defense for the “Shake and Bake.”
(3) Daniel “Rudy” Reuttiger (Rudy) vs. (6) Vince Papale (Invincible)
This upset has brackets busted all over the world. Rudy came in as America’s sweetheart—no size, no talent, no grades, no money, no friends—but the tournament committee gave him a tough draw with Papale. Rudy’s lack of pure skill, combined with his dyslexia and the crowd’s inability to chant his name for entire game, lead to the biggest upset of the first round.
(2) Maggie Fitzgerald (Million Dollar Baby) vs. (7) Becky “Icebox” O’Shea (Little Giants)
Female boxing is real…and tough. Laila Ali is no joke, and neither is Maggie Fitzgerald. Becky O’Shea is undoubtedly talented, but it’s hard to really gauge her ability when she’s only pounding on prepubescent boys half her size. Icebox’s lack of quality preparation becomes obvious as Maggie chops her up in the first round.
ROUND TWO
Mick McAllister Region – Villains
(1) Clubber Lang (Rocky) vs. (4) The Judge (The Natural)
Excellent matchup here. There’s no doubting that The Judge was a heartless monster, willing to have his players killed if they didn’t lose enough games. In the end, though, it was Clubber’s barrage of catchphrases that led to victory. My prediction: pain.
(2) Coach Bud Kilmer (Varsity Blues) vs. (6) Russ Wheeler (Days of Thunder)
Kilmer eats, drinks and breathes winning—he can’t tolerate losing. Wheeler relies more on talent than determination. His cockiness gets the better of him here and Kilmer leaves him crying on the sidelines with Billy Bob.
Jack Parkman Region – Villains
(1) Shooter McGavin (Happy Gilmore) vs. (5) Wolf “The Dentist” Stansson (D2)
Shooter has proven that he’s not above playing dirty to win. Realizing that Wolf Stansson would be a formidable opponent, Shooter distracts him by playing scenes from Showtime’s erotic drama, Red Shoe Diaries, starring Stansson himself. (No joke, Carsten Norgaard did an episode of that show—and you can see it on Hulu!)
(2) Johnny Lawrence (The Karate Kid) vs. (3) Ivan Drago (Rocky IV)
Johnny Lawrence is clearly over-hyped, all flash and no flame. He previously suffered crushing defeats at the hands of Daniel-san and Rodney Dangerfield in Back to School. Drago is no bully, just a fighting machine programmed to kill without remorse (“If he dies, he dies”). It looks like Johnny is the one leaving in a body bag.
Jimmy Chitwood Region – Heroes
(1) Rocky Balboa (Rocky series) vs. (4) Coach Herman Boone (Remember the Titans)
Coach Boone is truly an inspirational character, worthy of our praise. But Rocky is no slouch either. They both are both self-made men, coming up against fierce adversity. Rocky gets the nod here on the strength of numerous training montages.
(2) Crash Davis (Bull Durham) vs. (3) Steve Prefontaine (Without Limits)
Prefontaine is probably the most strong-willed competitor in this field. While that makes him a tough draw for any competition, it also makes him unpredictable and prone to acting rashly. Crash would know this, as well as how to exploit that immaturity and inexperience.
Henry Rowengartner Region – Heroes
(1) Charlie Conway (The Mighty Ducks series) vs. (5) Jimmy Dolan (The Air Up There)
Jimmy Dolan is crafty (who else recruits remote African tribes?), but is he Flying-V crafty? I doubt it. I just don’t think Dolan has the leadership skills and selfless, team-first quality that Conway does. After all, isn’t the triple deke just a shake-and-bake…but on ice?
(2) Maggie Fitzgerald (Million Dollar Baby) vs. (6) Vince Papale (Invincible)
Here we’ve got two 30-year old no-names with something to prove and nothing to lose. Both have been significantly kicked around by life—Vince’s wife left him and took everything, while Maggie’s family wanted nothing to do with her from the start. Both are too old to chase dreams of being football players and boxers. I’m giving this one to Maggie because I’d rather watch Clint Eastwood than Greg Kinnear any day.
ROUND THREE
Mick McAllister Region – Villains
(1) Clubber Lang (Rocky) vs. (2) Coach Bud Kilmer (Varsity Blues)
Clubber Lang was a bad man. It’s claimed that his character was loosely based on a combination of Sonny Liston, Larry Holmes and George Foreman—that’s a whole bunch of meanness tied up in one mohawked bundle. But Bud Kilmer is the worst kind of villain. He uses high school kids to feed his feverish obsession. He’s inspirational for class acts like Greg Wise, the Texas high school basketball “coach” who actively aims to beat other teams by 100 points. This merciless approach might make you a detestable human being, but it definitely helps your cause in this bracket.
Jack Parkman Region – Villains
(1) Shooter McGavin (Happy Gilmore) vs. (3) Ivan Drago (Rocky IV)
Drago is a serious opponent. 261 pounds. Five cattle-sized doses of roids every day. 2150 psi punching power (awesome name for a band by the way). It took Rocky 15 rounds to knock the commie out. However, if I know anything about the Cold War Soviets, it’s that they’re more crooked than Trail Ridge Road. Abusing that kind of corruption is Shooter 101. He could take down Drago from a number of angles.
Jimmy Chitwood Region – Heroes
(1) Rocky Balboa (Rocky series) vs. (2) Crash Davis (Bull Durham)
Crash Davis is by far the most complex character in this tournament. He is also one of the most pure characters, less contrived than the others. For every “Miracle on Ice,” there have been a million Crash Davises—talented, dedicated guys who just couldn’t make it stick in the big leagues. At a certain point in time, ballplayers are just trying to prolong their time around the game. Trying to outlast the inevitable just a little longer, when the knees start to ache and the organization has passed them over a few times. It’s admirable to stick around at that point. It shows a true love for the game. Rocky lost that passion during his fast car and robot butler stage. Crash never did.
Henry Rowengartner Region – Heroes
(1) Charlie Conway (Mighty Ducks series) vs. (2) Maggie Fitzgerald (Million Dollar Baby)
Sure Million Dollar Baby fought her way up the female boxing ranks, but Captain Duck created hockey’s equivalent of the alley-oop. That’s no small feat. But seriously, Charlie showed he was able to put an entire team (nay, an entire nation) before himself when he gave up his roster spot in D2 so Banks could come back. That kind of selflessness can’t be overlooked, so he moves on to the Final Four.
Kilmer, like any grade school bully, thrives on intimidating those weaker than himself. That’s why coaching high school boys is the perfect outlet for him. They look up to him, rely on his approval and feel a need to impress him. Shooter, however, is no boy. Sure, Happy Gilmore beat him with an absurdly lucky putt on the 18th hole, but he didn’t get to be the tour’s #1 player by being any ordinary geek-off-the-street. He got there by being cold, calculated and ruthless.
(2) Crash Davis (Bull Durham) vs. (1) Charlie Conway (The Mighty Ducks series)
Interesting matchup here on the hero side of the Final Four. Neither is the most talented player, but both genuinely care about what they’re doing. The main difference is how they approach the game. Crash is a wild care and a free spirit, whereas Charlie plays by the book, a coach’s dream. It’s Charlie’s predictability that makes him vulnerable against an experienced, crafty veteran like Crash Davis.
CHAMPIONSHIP
(1) Shooter McGavin (Happy Gilmore) vs. (2) Crash Davis (Bull Durham)
Having two loose cannons like Shooter and Crash face off in the final is a fantastic idea. There’s no telling what they’ll do to pull out a win. So here, on the brink of the actual Final Four, I’m gonna let my readers tell me what they think. Who do you think comes out on top? More importantly, why? Is it because Shooter has Crash run over with a VW? Does Crash want it badly enough? You tell me. Don’t say I never gave you anything.
***Questions? Submissions? Want to curse out Big Soda for his taste in movies or choices of winners? He can be reached at bigsoda@themixtapemonster.com ***
Right now, this period of mid-September to the beginning of November, is one of the absolute best times to be a sports fan. This is when Major League division races get exciting and the Wild Card heats up. Football season comes back full force, both college and pro–that means more (legally recorded) Erin Andrews, 3/4-length sleeve hoodies and mascot fights. There’s hope in the air, even for Panthers fans. Americans cling to the prayer that Andy Roddick won’t let down at the U.S. Open again. (Editor’s note: he did.) Even the fledgling FedEx Cup is must-see sports action because it means four straight weeks of Tiger—something that rarely ever happens. And for you hosers that somehow think hockey is a worthwhile diversion, the NHL’s seemingly year-round season kicks off October 1.
But if you’re a frequent reader of The Mixtape Monster Blog, you already know the one thing we’re all pining for around here…basketball. Sure we had the NBA Draft and Michael Jordan going into the Hall of Fame, but it’s just not the same. A true hoops fan craves the action, atmosphere and drama of the game. And no, the WNBA doesn’t count.
So what do I suggest you do? I suggest you take this downtime to learn a little bit about this game we love so much by checking out the following basketball documentaries.
Basketball Man
To truly understand the game, you’ve got to know where it comes from. Basketball Man details the life and legacy of Dr. James Naismith, the inventor of basketball and its original thirteen rules. When given 14 days to create a new indoor game for winterttime play at the Springfield YMCA, Dr. Naismith came up with something very dissimilar to what we now know as basketball–it was originally played with a soccer ball, involved very little contact, and did not allow dribbling. However, the game spread rather quickly and improvements/adjustments followed in stride. The Good Doctor would go on to become the first coach at Kansas. Surprisingly, he is the only coach in KU history with a losing record, but his lineage includes great names like Forrest “Phog” Allen, Dean Smith, and Adolph Rupp. Suck on that, Belichick.
Devin Green: The Journey (http://devingreen.tumblr.com)
Sure, the production quality on this four-part YouTube series isn’t going to win any awards. And yeah, you may not have even heard of Devin Green. But these facts lend themselves well to what this documentary is trying to achieve. Undrafted out of Hampton University, Green was signed by the Lakers for his rookie season, but was not on the playoff roster and was later released by the team. Since then, he has bounced around the NBDL and Europe, and spent the last few months with the Minnesota Timberwolves’ summer league team. This series gives you a brief glimpse into what that struggle is like on the majority of players out there trying to make it stick in the League. Not everybody is a Lebron or a Kobe, and for some, the grind can easily become unbearable. For others, it can become the foundation of a truly inspiring story.
Black Magic
A production of ESPN Films, this 4-hour long beast takes an in-depth look at the Civil Rights movement through the context of basketball at America’s Historically Black Coolegs and Universities. Narrated by Samuel L. Jackson and renowned jazz musician Wynton Marsalis, this is a must-watch for basketball fans. Knowing the lengths people went just to play this game really helps you appreciate it even more.
Gunnin’ For That #1 Spot
Directed by Adam Yauch of the Beastie Boys, this film documents the first-ever “Elite 24 High School All-American Game” in 2006 at legendary Rucker Park. Hosted by streetball fanatic Bobbito, the game included such names as Kevin Love, Jerryd Bayless and Michael Beasley (or B-Easy as he’s known around those parts). On top of superb footage of the actual game action, the film features a great soundtrack and some entertaining bonus materials. To make things even better, it’s available for instant viewing on Netflix.
Hardwood Heavens: UNC – Smith Center
(Monster Note: I used this picture instead of the one Big Soda wanted, because I liked it better.)
This is a pretty cool series covering some of the great college basketball venues in use today, including Kansas’ Allen Fieldhouse, Kentucky’s Rupp Arena and Syracuse’s Carrier Dome. Watching this installment on UNC’s Dean E. Smith Center, however, I began to wonder what it is that really makes this place so special, besides the mere fact that it houses the über-successful Tar Heels. Having seen dozens of games in the arena over the years, it’s a question I’ve asked myself several times–and the answer only became more elusive every time I snuck into old Carmichael Auditorium for a quick shootaround. Think about it: MJ didn’t play in the Dean Dome, the student seating arrangements still aren’t what they should be, and the physical aesthetic is unmistakably 80s. What I finally realized, though, is that the magic of the “Nose Dome,” as old-school haters like to call it, is that it means many things to many people, all individually tailored to their own specific memories. For some, it’s home to three national championship teams and hundreds of wins. For others, it’s taking down undefeated, third-ranked dook in the building’s first game. For Clemson fans, it symbolizes an assured loss in the record books. Whatever it means, good or bad, anybody who has been there has an opinion on the matter.
***Questions? Suggestions? Want to create your own basketball chant that hates on Big Soda? Big Soda can be reached at bigsoda@themixtapemonster.com***
Whether it’s an overbearing boss, dilapidated building conditions, or jackleg clients who won’t pay their bills, we all have those moments where fire-bombing the office sounds like a pretty good retirement plan. Since most of us are reasonably well-adjusted individuals, however, this isn’t exactly a viable option. What does help, though, is reminding yourself that there are other people who have it much worse than you.
I’m not saying you should bombard yourself with images of Mongolian goat herders fighting off puma attacks or Congolese children toiling away in diamond mines. That’ll just depress you even more. Those are real problems not meant to make you feel better about your asinine weekly status meetings. I’m merely suggesting that you pull up a chair, ease off the gas, and consider that you could be working in any of the following situations.
P.S. – Feel free to make some recommendations for work atmospheres I may have left off. As always, Big Soda welcomes any input from readers of The Mixtape Monster Blog.
If you know exactly how many minutes are left until 5 p.m. on Friday… Office Space
This is the standard by which all workplaces in film are measured. Between the uninspiring work, a long-winded, unsympathetic boss, apathetic colleagues, and the lack of upward mobility, it’s understandable that anyone at Initech would want to destroy that place. Don’t take it as a literal guide, though: the higher-ups won’t view your slack attitude positively and the hot waitress next door prefers a guy with an income.
If your boss is underqualified to wash your car… Chairman of the Board
As if I really need to sell you on this one—Carrot Top could be your boss! Take a minute to imagine that. Pun-filled prop jokes would be waiting around every corner. D-grade plastic surgeons would be on retainer. Vending machines would be stocked with HGH-laced candy bars. I mean, even the title of this movie is a bad joke (Mr. Top’s character, Edison, enjoys surfing. Get it? Chairman of the (Surf)Board. I didn’t think so.) Just take my word on this one…your boss isn’t so terrible.
If you think your co-workers are an assorted blend of idiots and assholes… Waiting
So you’ve got a colleague who’s just a huge jerk? Well consider this: you could be working with Dane Cook. What a joke-poaching chode! Now, I can hear all you frat boys out there saying, “But Soda, I looooooove Dane Cook. He’s hilarious.” If you would just put down your Jager Bomb, remove your backwards visor, and turn down your Dispatch album for a minute, I’ll tell you why you’re wrong. He’s not funny, because he doesn’t tell jokes. Ever heard of a comedian who can’t tell a joke? No? Me either. “Have you ever wondered…” is not a comedic device, unless your last name is Seinfeld—and even that wore off in 1998. Telling me that women are different from men because they cry is not a joke. A stand-up comedian being the sixth funniest person in Employee of the Month, on the other hand, that’s hilarious.
If your job is frequently on the verge of crisis… Be Kind Rewind
Feel bad about screwing up your last research assignment or losing that big client? Well at least you didn’t destroy your already-failing company’s entire inventory and only viable assets. When a magnetized Jack Black inadvertently erases every videotape in the movie rental store he works for, he and Mos Def must come up with a way to save the business. When all rational people would think to find a way to raise enough money needed for replacements, these two decide to completely re-shoot all the movies, using their own handheld camcorder and memories of the plotlines. There really is an important lesson to be learned here—the better you know your craft and the materials around you, the more prepared you’ll be when disaster strikes at work.
If you’re positive your boss/co-worker would throw you under the bus… American Gigolo
No work atmosphere is as full of sharks and backstabbers as the world of male prostitution…so I’m told. Watching Richard Gere get framed for murder by his own pimp (Bill Duke!) and lose everything he has will surely make your credit-snatching coworkers seem like small potatoes. While you clearly don’t look as good in Armani as 1999’s “Sexiest Man Alive,” at least you don’t have Hector Elizondo hounding you at every turn.
If you’re surrounded by unmotivated, immature morons… Super Troopers
While all the shenanigans in Broken Lizard’s 2001 comedy seem fun and harmless, this just isn’t a fair and accurate representation of a real workplace. I can guarantee you wouldn’t be amused if your coworkers were drinking, smoking weed, masturbating and, worst of all, fishing while your job is on the chopping block. To make things worse, you can’t even rely on a zany scheme to save the day, or your paycheck, in the end. So just deal with Bob’s annoying whistling and Steve’s bo-tarded joke-of-the-day e-mails. There are worse ways they could spend their time at work.
If your job is too much trouble for too little benefit… Good Burger
Would you stand in the way of a devious, cutthroat corporate rival trying to kill you in order to preserve your minimum-wage job? If not, then you clearly don’t take your job as seriously as Good Burger’s #1 cashier, Ed (played by Kel Mitchell, who we love at TMMB). The guy won’t even take his uniform off to shower. That’s what I consider true dedication. So when you feel like you’re undervalued and underpaid, thank your lucky stars that you don’t have to take down a criminal conspiracy just so you can continue hawking burgers to pimple-pocked teens.
If you think your job is great and need a reality check… Bikini Car Wash Company
No explanation needed here. Maybe you make six figures. Maybe you’re helping sick kids. Hell, maybe you run the deep-fryer at Hooter’s. But you know what your job doesn’t have? Bikini-clad slammin’ hotties covered in soap suds. I’m just guessing that dirty old men and 13-year old boys don’t line up to stare at the junior marketing executive in your office. Until they do—and she strips down and lathers up—try to keep you occupation-related enthusiasm in check.
*** Questions? Suggestions? Want to submit a homemade sex tape for review in the next Big Soda & Popcorn column? Big Soda can be reached at bigsoda@themixtapemonster.com ***
It’s summertime and the much-hyped blockbusters are going strong. While I love special effects explosions and $25 million stars as much as anybody, these hot months are a good time to enjoy the simpler things in life. For me, that includes the movies of my childhood. They just take me back to the days when my biggest problem was deciding what flavor AirHead to get from the pool concession stand. They all have a special place, but just for fun, check out what happens when I put eight of these films up against each other in arbitrary matchups with absolutely no discernible criteria…
Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982) vs. Dazed and Confused (1993)
Cast: The ensemble casts in these two films are ridiculous, even if none of them were actually stars at the time they were released. However, Fast Times had three future winners of the Best Actor Oscar, while the cast of Dazed is a better fit for the next pseudo-celebrity reality TV competition (“Grocery Shopping with the Stars,” perhaps?). Fast Times gets the nod here also because of the casting “what-ifs”: Geena Davis, Diane Keaton, Carrie Fisher, Sharon Stone, Helen Hunt and Brooke Shields all auditioned for the role of Stacy, while Sean Penn’s role as stoner Jeff Spicoli was initially offered to John Travolta (WTF?) and Christopher Reeve (seriously, WTF?).
Winner:Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Performances: With the exception of Penn as a burnout class clown, these two pictures don’t exactly contain any performances I’d consider to be a stretch from the actors. Ben Affleck as an overbearing bully with a sense of self-entitlement? Hardly shocking. Matthew McConaughey as a creepy stoner who preys on teenage girls? I think that was last week’s cover story from People Magazine. Judge Reinhold getting caught while pleasuring himself to thoughts of Phoebe Cates? That probably still happens monthly. With that in mind, Fast Times takes this category on the strength of Ray Walston’s Mr. Hand, the paranoid history teacher who is convinced that all teens are on dope.
Winner:Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Miscellaneous:Fast Times has one major intangible that Dazed just can’t match: Phoebe Cates topless by the pool. Doesn’t anyone f**king knock anymore?
Honey, I Shrunk the Kids (1989) vs. Space Camp (1986)
Plot: Here we have a showdown of a familiar genre from my childhood: a science experiment goes terribly awry and a group of kids inherit a zany adventure from it—instead of being horribly maimed like you’d expect. In Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, we have a floundering inventor trying to perfect his shrink ray (an odd choice for 5’4” Rick Moranis), which eventually turns on four youths, leading to their difficult trek through a suburban backyard at 1% of their original size. With Space Camp, we find a ragtag group of kids who are purposely launched into space by a meddling sentient robot named Jinx. Sure, being tiny, riding a friendly ant and swimming in a bowl of Cheerios might sound like a blast, but Lea Thompson landed a space shuttle, Joaquin Phoenix performed a space walk, and Tate Donovan got to pretend to be cool for once.
Winner:Space Camp
Cast: Tom Skerritt, ‘nuff said.
Winner:Space Camp in a landslide
Bad Decision Avoidance:Honey, I Shrunk the Kids opted against the name “Teenie Weenies,” while Space Camp was released six months after the Challenger explosion.
Rich Kid Rivals: Camp Mohawk or The Tigers? No matter who they are, everyone enjoys seeing the underdog stick it to the annoying, rich white kids. The Mohawk douches were particularly annoying, but they lost their claim to fame to a young boy in a cross-country meet. You just can’t come back from that. The Tigers, on the other hand, were destroyed by the Sandlot kids, but they still had shiny new bikes, sleek uniforms, and probably girlfriends that Ham and Yeah-Yeah drooled over.
Winner: The Sandlot
Sequels: Neither of these films produced any stellar sequels worth your viewing time, I just wanted an excuse to talk about The Sandlot: Heading Home. Luke Perry (yeah, I said it, so what?) plays Tommy “Santa” Santorelli, an egocentric major league star playing for the Dodgers who is knocked out by a wild pitch and sent back in time to his days as a 12-year old at the Sandlot. Suspense builds (kinda) as we wonder if Tommy will ever revert back to the kid who just loved playing the game with his buddies. Then we remember that it’s a made-for-TV movie from ABC Family. You guess how it ends.
Winner: The Sandlot
Least Motivational Moment: Before the second day of the big Olympiad against Camp Mohawk, Bill Murray leads his campers in a chant of “It Just Doesn’t Matter.” I get goosebumps just thinking about it.
Cast: Damn, Jerry O’Connell was fat in 1986. It inspires me to know that he overcame childhood obesity to later impregnate a supermodel. With that in mind, let’s assess these casts based on some of their future jobs. Keifer Sutherland: The Caller in Phone Booth. Melanie Griffith: Hooker in Milk Money. Corey Feldman: Reality TV washout. Demi Moore: Stripper in Striptease. Wil Wheaton: Columnist for a Dungeons & Dragons-themed magazine. Rosie O’Donnell: Bondage-loving undercover cop in Exit to Eden.
Winner: Nobody
WTF Factor: This is a no-brainer. I’m supposed to believe that young Christina Ricci grew up into Rosie O’Donnell? Rosie could eat four Riccis at Sunday brunch. I think this film might be the reason Ricci has survived the past ten years on a diet consisting of meth, saltines and human blood. It might also explain Black Snake Moan.
Winner:Now and Then
Quotable Quotes: “If I could only have one food to eat for the rest of my life? That’s easy. Pez. Cherry-flavored Pez. No question about it.”
Winner:Stand By Me
***Comments? Suggestions? Want to make fun of Big Soda for actually watching “Now and Then”? Big Soda can be reached at bigsoda@themixtapemonster.com ***
KNOCKOUT: HOW I (INADVERTENTLY) RUINED MIKE TYSON’S LIFE
I recently had a chance to catch Tyson—James Toback’s documentary about the career of Mike Tyson—with The Mixtape Monster in Raleigh. For those of you that don’t know, Big Soda loves boxing—the spectator side of it at least. Me and the Sweet Science go way back. In 1997, at age 13, I saw Lennox Lewis make Oliver McCall cry in the ring after the third round, and I knew I was hooked. However, I was quick to learn that the sport, like most of its legends, is flawed beyond belief. I came into the sport during a terrible era for heavyweights. Champs constantly ducked challengers, numerous titles were vacated, and Don King was getting huge purses for worthless lumps. This probably explains my preference for middleweight and welterweight fights, but that’s hardly an exhaustive list of the sport’s universal problems.
Despite some of its obvious failings, Tyson was able to shed light on some of the more serious issues surrounding professional fighters. Notably, Tyson’s financial missteps are reminiscent of numerous boxing greats, and high-paid athletes in general (think Michael Irvin). While some have been able to make smart investments with their earnings and move beyond the ring (think Oscar De la Hoya), the trend is disturbingly contradictory. Tyson alluded to the millions he’s squandered over the years, but failed to give an actual amount. For the record, at the time he filed for bankruptcy in 2003, Iron Mike had over $300 million in career earnings.
For normal folks like you and I, that’s an inconceivable amount of money to earn in a lifetime, much less to spend in a few decades. Granted, a huge portion of Tyson’s money went to attorney’s fees and Don King, but he blew plenty on women, drugs and lavish goods, too. The thrill of spending is too overpowering. The same goes for a number of rappers, as well. MC Hammer is doing spots for Cash-4-Gold now, where he half-jokingly sends in a gold medallion depicting himself wearing a gold medallion. We all know this is a sadly common occurrence, but I pose this question: Why do we always hear about successful boxers and rappers pissing away fortunes, while talentless hacks like Billy Ray Cyrus and Christian Leattner can live comfortably off minimal achievement?
A lot can be said about the socioeconomic backgrounds that these individuals come from, with a major portion of rappers and boxers being African-Americans from impoverished urban areas. There’s little debate that someone who grew up with no disposable income is going to have learned few lessons in effective money management. Similarly, when a person grows up in an area where nearly everyone is in the same dire circumstances, as opposed to the upper-middle class where most people have plenty, family and friends tend to look for handouts, instead of ways to offer support. Want proof of that? Check out Hammer’s new show, “Hammertime,” coming soon to A&E.
These aren’t new concepts. While very serious, sports organizations and record labels could preemptively eliminate some of these problems by offering wealth planning seminars or financial advisors on retainer. There are institutional protections available. What really bothers me, though, is the effect that we, as fans, have on these entertainers and their lifestyles. We expect boxers and rappers to be brash and showy when they perform. Who didn’t love it when Floyd Mayweather, Jr. taunted De la Hoya by entering the ring wearing Mexico’s colors, with 50 Cent on the mic behind him? And how many of us would tolerate a Slim Thug track about his 401K or diversified portfolio? So why are we surprised when these individuals actually live up to the personas we expect them to portray? I’m not here to tender a good solution to the problem, mainly because I don’t have one. Besides, I love the braggart bravado as much as anyone. I just think it’s an interesting dynamic that we’re actually playing a role in this dilemma, whether we realize it or not. Just something to think about.
Okay, not that I’ve gotten all this seriousness out of my system, here are a few of my favorite boxing-related scenes from TV and movies. Enjoy.
With my North Carolina Tar Heels winning the 2009 NCAA National Championship, I wanted to honor them in the only way I know how-with this column. So I started thinking about the team, the different personalities, styles of play, and the “characters” they portray on the court. Eventually, I asked myself this question: What film best describes this player?
While creating this list, I purposely opted to not be literal with my interpretations. For the most part, my determinations were based on vague criteria akin to the player’s “aura” and a corresponding film that provides similar emotional stimuli to watching or reading about that particular Tar Heel. To help explain the process a little further, I’ve also given you a short phrase that attempts to sum up each player, so you can see if each film evokes the same response during your own viewing.
So just sit back, open your mind, and let me do my thing. Here it is:
Tyler Hansbrough: “Raw Tenacity”
Nothing about his game is pretty. But what it lacks in a shiny finish, it more than makes up for with intensity. He is physically pummeled and comes back for more, despite being criticized and having his accomplishments downplayed along the way.
Film Equivalent: Oldboy (2004)
This is the story of a man imprisoned in a cheap hotel room for 15 years with no explanation or opportunity to confront his captors. When he is finally released, the man finds himself in a perplexing world of conspiracies and retribution, having to fight for his life along the way. In one of the biggest snubs since Walt and Oscar Robertson both lost the MVP to Bill Russell in 1962, Oldboy lost the 2004 Palm d’Or to Michael Moore’s shameless Fahrenheit 9/11. The movie manages to be thrilling yet heart-wrenching and wraps up nicely with a sick, twisted little bow on top.
Deon Thompson: “Grace & Strength”
Watch DT work in the post for an entire game-not just when he has the ball-and try to convince me that he doesn’t remind you of a boxer. He’s got incredibly soft hands and even better footwork. The fluidity of his game, when combined with his size and strength, is borderline hypnotic.
Film Equivalent: When We Were Kings (1996)
Those of you that know Big Soda know how much I love boxing, Ali in particular. The Louisville Lip took down every big-time heavyweight of his time, and then let them know about it. That included George Foreman, his opponent at the Rumble in the Jungle, which serves as the backdrop of this documentary. Enjoy the trash-talking, tantalizing skills, and controversial personality that made Cassius Marcellus Clay an American icon. Oh yeah, young Don King looks weird, too.
Wayne Ellington: “Icy Smooth”
As the Final Four’s Most Outstanding Player, he displayed his cold-blooded, hitman-esque style. When he’s hot, Wayne’s game has a colorful, artistic quality. Utterly unapologetic in the face of big-game pressure, he’s likely to shine no matter who else is on the court.
Film Equivalent: Smokin’ Aces (2007)
Jeremy Piven plays Vegas magician Buddy Israel with his typical hard-living, hooker-banging, in your face bravado. Ben Affleck isn’t the lead, so he doesn’t suck (that’s a formulaic certainty that applies to all of his films). And my man Common makes his film debut. The fast-paced action flick is full of color, running the audience ragged with a long line of A-Listers and thought-provoking character pairings.
Ty Lawson: “Relentless Explosion”
Lawson is the undisputed “fastest man in college basketball.” With all the scouting reports claiming that he can only go to his right, he is still unstoppable. Like a true kung fu master, his offensive genius is seen on the counter-attack, catching the defense with its guard down.
Film Equivalent: Ong Bak: The Thai Warrior (2003)
Muy Thai, the national sport of Thailand, is called the “Science of Eight Limbs,” because the fighters use that many body parts to dismember you. Now combine that with some serious stuntwork and you’ve got this staggering exhibition of butt-whoopery. It’s only made better by being more than a star vehicle for Tony Jaa, like so many of Bruce Lee’s were.
Danny Green: “Stylish & Edgy”
From the pre-game dancing to his carefree style of play, DMFG carries himself with an unparalleled air of confidence. Like the lead in any good blaxploitation film, those flashy characteristics are what we see on the outside, but you just know there’s more if you dig a little deeper. Plus: Greg Paulus = Bitch Slapped.
Film Equivalent: Willie Dynamite (1974)
Just the movie poster taglines from this 1974 blaxploitation film justify the price of admission: “He’s tight, together, and mean,” “Chicks, Chumps, he uses ‘em all,” “Ain’t no one crosses Willie D.” Willie Dynamite, an ambitious New York City pimp battles the typical opposition on his quest for strong-arm supremacy. This was the genre’s peak, so it’s rife with stereotypes and hyperbolic characters.
Bobby Frasor: “Well-Rounded Selflessness”
With the intense games of Texas-style ping pong and the “aww-shucks” reaction to rumors about Erin Andrews, Bobby “Textbook” Frasor epitomizes the accessibility we love to see in our sports stars. It’s not hard to imagine kickin’ it with Bobby for a Mario Kart marathon…then you remember that your other friends never dropped 17 points on the Wolfpack.
Film Equivalent: Made (2001)
John Favreau and Vince Vaughn are a great team. Although Made is often portrayed as the inbred cousin of Swingers, any cast that runs the gamut from Peter Falk to Sean Combs is worthy of your attention. This film should garner strong consideration for any guys’ night viewing.
Roy Williams: “Comforting Simplicity”
Let the haters say what they want about his occasional slip of the tongue, but Coach has a calming presence that takes me back to an easier time. Seriously, have you seen his Coke commercial? When he took over the Heels in 2003, Roy joined Peter Gammons and Christopher Walken on my “adopted grandpa” wish list.
Film Equivalent: Big Fish (2003)
Even though this isn’t my favorite Tim Burton film (Sweeney Todd or Ed Wood), it sports a really unique ensemble cast and a heartwarming cats-in-the-cradle story. Besides, it casts Danny Devito in the perfect role, a creepy circus ringmaster.
***Questions? Comments? Who the hell is this Big Soda douchebag and what’s he doing telling me what movies to watch?? Big Soda can be reached at bigsoda@themixtapemonster.com***
With the 2009 NCAA Tournament underway and the Cinderellas fighting the clock, wouldn’t it be nice to give them another dose of hope? These are the teams that make March what it is. The teams we know nothing about, but root for relentlessly to take down the Goliaths. The doe-eyed kids who seemingly forget their rightful place in the basketball universe.
It’s one of the few yearly sporting events where critics, commentators and analysts don’t take anything away from the lesser-known victor. Unlike the MLB Playoffs, the system isn’t conducive to determining the “best” team. There are no second chances—just ask anyone who lost to George Mason in 2006 or God Shammgod’s Providence in 1997. Unlike the Super Bowl, few people care about who “should have” won and why they didn’t. When we talk about the 1985 tournament, all we care about is Villanova’s impressive run, not Georgetown’s regular season dominance. It’s just not the kind of thing the tournament cares about.
So, in honor of these inspirational lesser-thans, I’m offering up my top underdog stories. These movies are the cinematic embodiment of the feel-good stories we look forward to every spring. Just ask Wake Forest, because Cleveland State was obviously paying attention.
12. The Mighty Ducks (1992)
The film that spawned a long line of underdog sports films for kids, The Mighty Ducks initiated a formulaic approach to a familiar storyline. If you don’t believe me, just think about it: a talented, good-looking kid, reluctant to be a star; a fat kid for comedic relief; the nerdy kid who’s just happy to be part of the team; and the hard-nosed coach who must undergo a lifestyle change in order to relate to his ragtag team of misfits. If you haven’t seen that formula before, you’re probably Amish.
11. The Bad News Bears (1976)
Buttermaker!!! This is the story of an alcoholic has-been trying to teach baseball—a game he once loved—to a bunch of screw-ups who couldn’t care less. Nobody was cooler in 1976 than the cigarette-puffing, dirt bike shredding Kelly Leak.
10. Little Giants (1994)
Otherwise known as the “Ozzie Canseco Story,” Little Giants revolves around the competition that exists between a former sports superstar and his less successful, but uber-lovable younger brother. No matter how much you may have wanted Devon Sawa to die in Final Destination, you’ve got to love his ability to throw toilet paper rolls into a shopping cart.
9. Cool Runnings (1993)
Feel the rhythm! Feel the rhyme! Try not to cry when the Jamaicans carry their rickety bobsled across the finish line and all their former doubters do the requisite slow clap. I dare you.
8. Angels in the Outfield (1999)
It’s a little known fact that Big Soda wrote a 20-page paper about Disney’s portrayal of religious symbols in Angels in the Outfield. There was more than one underdog in this film, with not only the team on the field, but also young Roger, the unloved foster child who sees angels. Who’s your favorite Angel player: Matthew McConaughey, Adrien Brody or Tony Danza?
7. Major League (1989)
Can you believe it only cost $11 million to make this movie?!? What an all-star cast: Tom Berenger, Charlie Sheen, Corbin Bernsen, Wesley Snipes, and President David Palmer (err, I mean, Dennis Haysbert). I can’t tell you how many times I yelled “DORN!” during co-ed softball this season.
6. Chariots of Fire (1981)
I assume that this is the one movie on the list that most people haven’t seen. For those that haven’t, it’s the story of British runners training for the 1924 Olympics. The theme song is probably the most famous aspect of the film. To prove it (and to keep up my string of Kel Mitchell references), the song from the opening credits was even used in a scene from Good Burger, where the dynamic duo delivers a burger to none other than Shaquille O’Neal.
5. Seabiscuit (2003)
Sure, a horse’s heart is technically 16 times larger than a human’s, but Seabiscuit’s was 100 times bigger. In a sport where bigger, faster, and stronger are the only criteria, Seabiscuit was the most unlikely of all champions. For a horse that everyone said was too small to compete, Horse of the Year should have been an impossible achievement.
4. Rudy (1993)
Don’t let the fact that the real Rudy Ruettiger bums around bars in South Bend, using his “celebrity” to score free drinks between speaking engagements at grade schools, sway your opinion of this film. Also, don’t let the fact that barely anyone in the stadium knew who he was convince you that the “Rudy” chant was embellished for the sake of filmmaking. Just take the movie for what it is, and try to forget that a hobbit could make the Notre Dame football team.
3. Hoosiers (1986)
Which character is more inspirational: Jimmy Chitwood, the sheltered, quiet sharpshooter; Ollie MacFarlane, Hickory’s team manager who saves the day by sinking two game-saving free throws; or Wilbur “Shooter” Flatch, the town drunk who overcomes his addiction to become a vital part of the team’s success?
2. Rocky (1976)
For a man who can barely speak the English language, Sly Stallone wrote one hell of a movie. This film is proof that you don’t always have to win to be a champion—just go the distance, fool.
1. The Karate Kid (1984)
What’s better than an undersized new-kid-in-town, learning karate through everyday chores from an Asian man with whom he shares subtle homoerotic tensions? Daniel LaRusso kicking the crap out of the Cobra Kai Dojo to the tune of “You’re the Best” by Joe Esposito. “Get him a body bag! Yeeeeaaaaah!”
THE ULTIMATE MARCH MADNESS GUIDE TO BASKETBALL FILMS
Ahhh yea…it’s Big Soda’s favorite time of the year. My Tar Heels just won the ACC Regular Season Championship. NCAA Tournament Selection Sunday is this weekend. And I’ve got a birthday coming up if anyone wants to buy me tickets. Needless to say, I’ll be like a hyperactive child loose in FAO Schwartz for the next month. So, until the NCAA Championship is wrapped up, you’ll be getting nothing but basketball-related Big Soda & Popcorn articles from me.
Earlier this week, I was trying to decide what the all-time classic round-ball movies are for each level of the game—high school, college, professional, street ball, and yes, even Globetrotters. Well I did it, and I’m gonna share them with you, along with a movie I think you should check out if you haven’t already, one you can completely avoid if you desire, and a quality documentary to top it all off.
High School:
Classic: Hoosiers (1985)
High school sports live for the David and Goliath story. Just ask Jason McElwain. Arguably the greatest basketball film of all time, the story of Hickory High School’s undersized and underestimated team has it all. Team member with rocky parental relationship? Check. Down-on-his-luck coach with a questionable past? Absolutely. Reluctant star athlete with an over-protective family member? Jimmy Chitwood was the original “Next Jordan.” Physically- and athletically-superior opponent to overcome for the championship? That South Bend Central team could probably beat this year’s Oklahoma City Thunder.
Check It: The Pistol: The Birth of a Legend (1991)
At age eight, I think I watched this movie every single day. I’d watch about 30 minutes, then go play ball for an hour, then do it all over again. The movie tells the story of “Pistol” Pete Maravich, focusing on the 1959 season, where Pete made the varsity team as an eighth grader. As far as memorable basketball personalities go, the Pistol is at the top of my list. His style and flare changed the game in many ways.
Leave It: Coach Carter (2005)
As much as I love Samuel L. Jackson yelling at me for a couple hours (not at all), you won’t be missing anything if you haven’t seen this gem yet.
Documentary: Hoop Dreams (1994)
One of the more critically-acclaimed films on this list, Hoop Dreams tells the story of two inner-city Chicago youths hoping to overcome their circumstances and make a career out of playing ball. Touching on a number of sociological issues, including race and class, the film covers a span of five years, along with all the ups and downs the young men experience.
College:
Classic: Blue Chips (1994)
The movie poster says all you need to know….”NOLTE – SHAQ.” Pretty good basketball scenes thanks to Shaq and Penny Hardaway, plus a ton of great cameos (Bobby Knight, Larry Bird, Jerry Tarkanian, Robert Wuhl and Bob Cousy). Written by the same guy who penned Bull Durham, Tin Cup, The Great White Hype, Cobb,White Men Can’t Jump, and sadly, Hollywood Homicide. Does anyone else get the feeling that Rick Pitino is as annoying in person as he is during this scene?
Check It: City Dump: The Story of the 1951 CCNY Basketball Scandal (1998)
This HBO documentary tells the story of college basketball’s first known point-shaving scandal. CCNY came into the 1951 season as the defending NCAA and NIT champions, but four players got caught up in an illicit gambling ring, run by New York organized crime. The scandal involved players from six other schools, including Adolph Rupp’s 1951 NCAA champions from the University of Kentucky. In my eyes, UNC just got one national championship closer to the Wildcats.
Leave It: Harvard Man (2001)
Poor Ray Allen. How did he get caught up in this mess? Sarah Michelle Gellar plays a cheerleader from Boston College who gets her Harvard point guard boyfriend (Adrian Grenier) involved with her mob-boss father’s gambling ring. Even for the Ivy League, Grenier isn’t athletic enough to pull this off.
Documentary: Skywalker: The David Thompson Story (2004)
One of the greatest college players of all time deserves a great documentary. I can’t stress enough how ridiculously talented David Thompson was. Michael Jordan credits Thompson with sparking the public’s interest in a player’s vertical leaping ability. When watching Skywalker highlights, keep in mind that he played in an era where the dunk was outlawed. What a waste.
Professional:
Classic: Space Jam (1996)
I’m calling this a “professional basketball” movie for a few reasons: (1) there really aren’t very many pro basketball movies, (2) I’m not prepared to put Semi-Pro in this spot yet, and (3) you could form a dynamite all-star team with the NBA players who make appearances. In honor of the Mixtape Monster, I threw in this clip of the Monstars getting nasty on the toon squad.
Check It: Slam Dunk Ernest (1995)
Don’t look at me like that. This movie is beyond ridiculous. Ernest receives a pair of magical shoes from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and then he…you know what, just watch the clip.
Leave It: The Cookout (2004)
One of the characters in this movie called it the story of the “Black Beverly Hillbillies.” When fictional player Todd Anderson signs a $30 million contract with the New Jersey Nets, he decides to throw a family cookout. Watch as the kooky characters and hanger-ons (including Ja Rule) come out of the woodwork to take advantage of his newfound fame and fortune. As offensively stereotypical as anything Tyler Perry has done.
Documentary: Michael Jordan to the Max (2000)
A film dedicated to the true GOAT, Michael Jordan to the Max focuses on the Bulls’ 1998 championship season. I remember seeing this in IMAX back when it came out, but it’s equally enrapturing on the small screen.
Street Ball:
Classic: He Got Game (1998)
Timeless Spike Lee Joint about a convicted criminal (Denzel Washington) trying to reconnect with his superstar son (Ray Allen). The basketball scenes are good, even with Denzel’s janked-up shot form. Ray Allen manages to hold his own.
Check It: Rebound (1996)
No, no, not the Martin Lawrence kids’ movie, but rather the story of Earl “The Goat” Manigault, a Harlem playground legend who lost his chance at stardom because of drug addiction. Don Cheadle isn’t the most athletic actor, but manages to pull it off. I tell people about his movie all the time because I watch it every other month or so.
Leave It: Like Mike 2: Streetball (2006)
Here is an actual quote I found about this movie: “Jascha Washington, taking over from rapper Bow Wow, is likable and the new story is actually more believable than the original.” Seriously?!? A story about a second young boy finding a magical pair of shoes that belonged to Michael Jordan is more believable than the story about the first boy who found a magical pair of shoes that belonged to Michael Jordan? Maybe it’s because this one co-stars Kel Mitchell (I found him!) as a bumbling ballplayer.
Documentary: On Hallowed Ground: Streetball Champions of Rucker Park (2000)
TNT documentary about the world-famous Rucker Park and the countless legends that have played there. The film follows the team sponsored by Bad Boy Records at the renowned Entertainer’s Basketball Classic.
Globetrotters:
Classic: Go, Man, Go! (1954)
This film tells the story of the Harlem Globetrotters, from their creation in 1927 until they began playing outgunned all-white teams like the Washington Generals in 1953. Sidney Poitier plays an assistant coach.
Check It: Scooby-Doo Meets the Globetrotters (1972)
Classic basketball entertainers meet classic American Saturday-morning cartoon. Just ignore the firestorm of criticism these short movies receive from dedicated viewers. You don’t wanna be like those people anyway.
Leave It: Harlem Globetrotters on Gilligan’s Island (1981)
Do you really need to see the Globetrotters defeat a team of basketball robots in order to save a group of hapless castaways? I didn’t think so. Chick Hearn makes an appearance at least.
Documentary: The Harlem Globetrotters: The Team That Changed the World (2005)
Another must-see documentary. This film sports a gaudy list of celebrity interviews that touts Bill Cosby, Barack Obama, Chuck D., Bill Bradley, and Henry Kissinger. HENRY KISSINGER! He’s an honorary Globetrotter. Knowledge is power.
***Questions? Suggestions? Hate mail? Big Soda can be reached at bigsoda@themixtapemonster.com***
SUMMING UP THE TAR HEELS ON THE BIG SCREEN
THE ULTIMATE MARCH MADNESS GUIDE TO BASKETBALL FILMS
