So I’m going to try to start writing more posts on here instead of just posting videos and music. I don’t mean the “Where You At Wednesday” types, but the types like this instant-classic from way back. You know, the type of post that makes you say, “Damn, that Monster dude is a bonafide pimp.” Okay, well maybe not that far, but I figure I should let the readers in more on my actual life. That is what a blog is for, right? Ahh, I digress.
Anyhow, this post is about Gym Tools. You may be reading this, thinking that I’m going to outline a workout plan for you, or that I’m going to provide you with excellent insight about machines at the gym. You’d be thinking wrong.
This post is about those toolbag guys you see at the gym all the time. Now, I’m not in peak physical condition by any means, so I’ve got no problem with someone who goes to the gym every day to get swole. I work out 3-4 times a week with some cardio and light weights. I play basketball at least once a week as well. But, you can go to the gym without being a douchebag about it.
We all know about the guys that yell and lift weights just to show you how much stronger they are than you. Nevermind they are obviously Barry Bonds fans who are in the locker-room sticking needles in each other’s asses. That’s your own choice to look like a clown.
There are a couple of dudes at my gym though that drive me up the wall. I hate them. I honestly do. One of these people, is this guy:
I call him “Laughing Old Guy.” There could be 100 elliptical machines open, and he saddles up beside me everytime. At least 3 of the 4 days a week I’m there. I always have my tunes rockin’ and I’m watching “PTI” on the TV in front of me. But Laughing Old Guy feels the need to laugh at EVERYTHING. He laughs at all screens. I’ve seen him laugh at Chris Matthews on “Hardball”. I’ve seen him laugh at NFL’s Greatest HITS. I’ve seen him laugh at “Entertainment Tonight.”
It’s not just any laugh either. It’s this annoying, super high pitched, quick chuckle. The type of laugh you expect from someone who finds “Family Circus” hilarious. Laughing Old Man laughs so much, I honestly thought he might have some sort of tourette’s for a while, and I felt bad for hating him so much. That was, until, he ended up beside me on several leg machines and I never heard him laugh once.
I constantly find myself looking around like “Doesn’t this bother anyone else? Are you people not highly annoyed by this?” I mean really. CNN isn’t funny dude, and if it is, it isn’t THAT funny, especially when you have to read the captions to even know what’s going on!
And another thing…Laughing Old Guy wears the same outfit everyday. I mean, I’m not one to crack on your fashion sense at the gym, but when you saddle up beside me 3 days in a row in the same gear, it makes me wonder. Does he do laundry every day? Is he wearing sweaty clothes he pulled out of his bag from yesterday? These are the things I try to contemplate instead of punching him in the face.
The other guy I have a real problem with I have dubbed “THAT Douchey Guy.” I wish I had a picture of him, but I don’t…..yet. I’ll try to snag one for you guys next time I see him. THAT Douchey Guy is basically “THAT GUY” at the gym, except he’s douchey. This is the guy that is always there. I’ve been a member of my gym for almost 2 years, and I’m pretty sure over 90% of the time I’ve been there, I’ve seen That Douchey Guy.
You all know the type. 29 year old white guy with nice physique who probably works at the gym late at night part time. The guy who somehow knows all the people who work at the gym, and half the people that work out there. The guy who clearly works out, but you’ve never actually seen him working out. He spends more time douchin’ around then doing anything else.
The Cougars of the gym love him. He comes by and gives them pointers on their form. The Meatheads respect him, “Man, that guy is always in the gym goin’ hard in the paint!” The teenage chicks want to go to second base with him. The gym employees wonder if he can pick up their morning shift. Even if he doesn’t have a job there, he knows his way around.
I’m not sure if any of that is true, but you can tell by the smirk on THAT Douchey Guy’s face, that he certainly thinks it is.
That Douchey Guy has even been spotted at the gym pool, twirling a whistle, and he isn’t even a lifeguard. I’ve spotted That Douchey Guy rocking sunglasses, yes SUNGLASSES IN THE GYM.
I spend a lot of time imbetween reps when I see this guy thinking “I wonder how I can tell this guy to tone down his douche-level without having him beat my ass.”
I’ll try to snag a photo of him soon for everyone.
In the meantime, do you have any Gym Tools to share?
I hate the DB who tries to find the most extreme/absurd equipment to use to show how developed his obscure/worthless muscle group is. I’m talking about the guy that’s using all the mats and step up things to jump up 5 feet, grab a trapeze bar and do some loud, dramatic, and space-consuming flip/lift routine that endangers himself and any poor old lady who may be within a 10 foot radius of this wannabe MMA champ’s erratic “exercise” to develop his Tensor Fascia Latae or whatever. Fuck that guy…
ha! love this post … ESPECIALLY love the picture of ‘laughing old guy’ … that would annoy the hell outta me too. but have you ever thought that maybe the reason he always is on the machine next to you because he’s staked that one and likes it? Do you always use the same eliptical? Maybe try a new one next time, and if he then saddles up next to you … then you know something is up … maybe he realized you snapped that picture of him when you did and think you may be some admirer or something … hahahaha!
please please please get a pic of ‘that douchey guy’ … am dying to put a face with a … nickname.
being someone employed by a gym for 4+ years, and someone who has been regularly hitting the weights for much longer than that, i have seen my fair share of gym tools.
some of the most memorable (and im making nicknames as i go here):
1) the decrepid, know-it-all, doctor
- this dude, at the LAAC, at one point actually came and interrupted me (clearly a trainer) doing squats, in a machine with shoulder pads mind you, to tell me that im risking nerve damage by doing that because of where major nerves are in your shoulders. This guy also is known to wear scrubs to the gym, and workout in. AND back when i used to work Sunday afternoons, he would come in with a much younger lady – this very ethnic asian and with really horrific english. I’m pretty sure it was a mail-order bride because of how he was treating her and what they (he) was talking about.
2) the jacked-up stingy nerd with a bad attitude
- this guy is ALWAYS in the gym when I’m teaching my class. pretty muscular, and always wearing a loose-fitting tank top. He’ll do badass/tough workouts, but always the same one – he actually has a significant hunch in his back and i think its because he always works his front. He wears the NERDIEST glasses – while working out – that are those old 50′s style round ones, and thick as hell – big black frames. Carries a bag with him on the gym floor, too. I think he purposely tries to use the same equipment I post reserved signs around for my class to use – and then always seems annoyed when we use them – just to be negative and remain unhappy and bothered. He never says a word to me either.
3) bike-short wearing dude.
- this guy wouldn’t pass the skirt-length test in middle school. he looks kinda like this old picture of phil jackson, except his shorts are dont go horizontal across his legs, they are shaped like a ‘V’ and kinda looks like womens clothing: http://www.midwestsportsfans.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/phil-jackson-knicks.jpg
each time he passes by me or i pass by him – ESPECIALLY when he’s doing an exercise – Im afraid I’ll catch a glimpse of something i never want to see
4) germaphobe
- there is this woman who used to take my class on the regular, and still does sometimes, that was such a hypochondriac that she would literally bring the 4 of the large towels (because the hand-sized ones that already are bountiful in multiple locations on the floor aren’t sufficient) out of the ladies locker room to the gym section with her; one to carry around and place as a barrier over anything she would touch and 3 to put in precise and discrete locations around the gym in places she knew she’d be near – in case they were needed. She would wear long pants, and always two long shirts – and full-fingered gloves so no part of her skin was exposed. Every time we did anything on the floor she would complain about the carpet – or the rubber – whichever part of the gym we were at. One time, before i realized she was hiding these large towels all around the gym, i found one (hung on one of the two scales) and figured someone had left it from before – so i was gonna put it in the laundry bin. she saw me, and rushed over to stop me from getting rid of the towel because she needed it when she got to that part of the gym (because there were nearby stations/machines that couldnt have all their surfaces masked by one towel … it needed two)
many … many more stories ….
I’ve been patiently waiting for nearly 4 months for the picture of “That Douchy Guy” you promised. Make with it!
Working on it! Went yesterday and he was a no show. Got a pic 3 weeks ago, but it wasn’t good enough and he almost caught me on the re-shoot. I promise, I’m on the lookout!
this posting is hilarious and the anDhuDhoW and Sliz followup replies are awesome. i totally know all these people at the gym.