Hi Ho, Hi Ho, I Hate My Job Fo’ Sho’
Whether it’s an overbearing boss, dilapidated building conditions, or jackleg clients who won’t pay their bills, we all have those moments where fire-bombing the office sounds like a pretty good retirement plan. Since most of us are reasonably well-adjusted individuals, however, this isn’t exactly a viable option. What does help, though, is reminding yourself that there are other people who have it much worse than you.
I’m not saying you should bombard yourself with images of Mongolian goat herders fighting off puma attacks or Congolese children toiling away in diamond mines. That’ll just depress you even more. Those are real problems not meant to make you feel better about your asinine weekly status meetings. I’m merely suggesting that you pull up a chair, ease off the gas, and consider that you could be working in any of the following situations.
P.S. – Feel free to make some recommendations for work atmospheres I may have left off. As always, Big Soda welcomes any input from readers of The Mixtape Monster Blog.
If you know exactly how many minutes are left until 5 p.m. on Friday… Office Space
This is the standard by which all workplaces in film are measured. Between the uninspiring work, a long-winded, unsympathetic boss, apathetic colleagues, and the lack of upward mobility, it’s understandable that anyone at Initech would want to destroy that place. Don’t take it as a literal guide, though: the higher-ups won’t view your slack attitude positively and the hot waitress next door prefers a guy with an income.
If your boss is underqualified to wash your car… Chairman of the Board
As if I really need to sell you on this one—Carrot Top could be your boss! Take a minute to imagine that. Pun-filled prop jokes would be waiting around every corner. D-grade plastic surgeons would be on retainer. Vending machines would be stocked with HGH-laced candy bars. I mean, even the title of this movie is a bad joke (Mr. Top’s character, Edison, enjoys surfing. Get it? Chairman of the (Surf)Board. I didn’t think so.) Just take my word on this one…your boss isn’t so terrible.
If you think your co-workers are an assorted blend of idiots and assholes… Waiting
So you’ve got a colleague who’s just a huge jerk? Well consider this: you could be working with Dane Cook. What a joke-poaching chode! Now, I can hear all you frat boys out there saying, “But Soda, I looooooove Dane Cook. He’s hilarious.” If you would just put down your Jager Bomb, remove your backwards visor, and turn down your Dispatch album for a minute, I’ll tell you why you’re wrong. He’s not funny, because he doesn’t tell jokes. Ever heard of a comedian who can’t tell a joke? No? Me either. “Have you ever wondered…” is not a comedic device, unless your last name is Seinfeld—and even that wore off in 1998. Telling me that women are different from men because they cry is not a joke. A stand-up comedian being the sixth funniest person in Employee of the Month, on the other hand, that’s hilarious.
If your job is frequently on the verge of crisis… Be Kind Rewind
Feel bad about screwing up your last research assignment or losing that big client? Well at least you didn’t destroy your already-failing company’s entire inventory and only viable assets. When a magnetized Jack Black inadvertently erases every videotape in the movie rental store he works for, he and Mos Def must come up with a way to save the business. When all rational people would think to find a way to raise enough money needed for replacements, these two decide to completely re-shoot all the movies, using their own handheld camcorder and memories of the plotlines. There really is an important lesson to be learned here—the better you know your craft and the materials around you, the more prepared you’ll be when disaster strikes at work.
If you’re positive your boss/co-worker would throw you under the bus… American Gigolo
No work atmosphere is as full of sharks and backstabbers as the world of male prostitution…so I’m told. Watching Richard Gere get framed for murder by his own pimp (Bill Duke!) and lose everything he has will surely make your credit-snatching coworkers seem like small potatoes. While you clearly don’t look as good in Armani as 1999’s “Sexiest Man Alive,” at least you don’t have Hector Elizondo hounding you at every turn.
If you’re surrounded by unmotivated, immature morons… Super Troopers
While all the shenanigans in Broken Lizard’s 2001 comedy seem fun and harmless, this just isn’t a fair and accurate representation of a real workplace. I can guarantee you wouldn’t be amused if your coworkers were drinking, smoking weed, masturbating and, worst of all, fishing while your job is on the chopping block. To make things worse, you can’t even rely on a zany scheme to save the day, or your paycheck, in the end. So just deal with Bob’s annoying whistling and Steve’s bo-tarded joke-of-the-day e-mails. There are worse ways they could spend their time at work.
If your job is too much trouble for too little benefit… Good Burger
Would you stand in the way of a devious, cutthroat corporate rival trying to kill you in order to preserve your minimum-wage job? If not, then you clearly don’t take your job as seriously as Good Burger’s #1 cashier, Ed (played by Kel Mitchell, who we love at TMMB). The guy won’t even take his uniform off to shower. That’s what I consider true dedication. So when you feel like you’re undervalued and underpaid, thank your lucky stars that you don’t have to take down a criminal conspiracy just so you can continue hawking burgers to pimple-pocked teens.
If you think your job is great and need a reality check… Bikini Car Wash Company
No explanation needed here. Maybe you make six figures. Maybe you’re helping sick kids. Hell, maybe you run the deep-fryer at Hooter’s. But you know what your job doesn’t have? Bikini-clad slammin’ hotties covered in soap suds. I’m just guessing that dirty old men and 13-year old boys don’t line up to stare at the junior marketing executive in your office. Until they do—and she strips down and lathers up—try to keep you occupation-related enthusiasm in check.
*** Questions? Suggestions? Want to submit a homemade sex tape for review in the next Big Soda & Popcorn column? Big Soda can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org ***